3 steps to get on the same fertility page.

Dealing with infertility is tough. And it's even tougher when you and your partner don't see eye to eye. Here are just a smattering of conversations I've had over the course of a week that boil down to this oh-so-common infertility conundrum.

• A husband who isn't ready for IVF but his wife was ready 3 months ago

• One partner doesn't want to share their infertility struggles with anyone, but the other really wants to talk about it with their parents

• A wife who feels like she's doing everything and her husband who won't even get a sperm test

• One person who's ready to excitedly announce their pregnancy after IVF, but the other's still feeling super guarded and terrified

And this is just in one week! There are so many variations. And OF COURSE there are. It's hard enough to navigate infertility challenges with only one heart and one brain and one viewpoint. Two? It’s downright crazy-making.

Don't worry though. In this post I've got your back with three simple steps to help you and your partner get on the same page. I know you'll learn what you need to both move forward feeling, well, if not good, at least as good as it gets. Let's build connection, show some compassion, and find those compromises that will help make your infertility journey so much smoother.

Step 1

Start With a Heartfelt Chat to Reconnect

Reconnection might look something like this:

"Hey! The reason I want to have a baby with you is because I like you. Heck, I LOVE you! Yes, this process has made us feel really lonely. Yes, it's been a huge strain on our relationship and each of us individually. But I still know that we're in this together. I still love you. And even when I'm on a different page than you I still am your teammate and you're mine."

Conversation might look like this:

"I want to tell you why I feel the way I do. I want to tell you why it feels important and like the right thing FOR ME. I want you to tell me more about why you feel the way you do too."

And really listen to what each other share.

For example, the guy who didn't want to start IVF? He was worried his wife was already struggling so much and more anxious and depressed than he'd ever seen her. He felt helpless and didn't want to see her feel even worse. He was worried she would be too heartbroken if it didn't work. He also didn't understand why IVF was that much better than what they were already trying. It just seemed expensive and like more pressure.

But his wife understood IVF more than doubled their odds of success and was feeling like she couldn't keep doing what they were doing because it felt like the definition of insanity. And even if IVF didn't work, they could move forward and she could get a little glimmer of hope. That made her feel less anxious and depressed.

Step 2

Show Some Love and Empathy

Infertility sucks, and it's hitting both of you hard. Acknowledge that you're both going through a tough time. Show some empathy for what your partner is experiencing. Let them know that you get it. Validate their concerns and fears. This is your chance to let them know that you're in this together - no matter what.

Say something empathetic and compassionate like:

"Oh! We both HATE how bad this has been feeling. We both hate how out of control everything is. We both feel like we're drowning and like we'd do anything to get out of this limbo and know how this ends. We both hate how anxiety and depressing this is. Even if we have VERY different ideas on what we want to do, we have a lot of shared suffering."

Use some validation for your partner’s perspective too.

The wife from my example might say, "Yeah, I AM a mess right now. And yes, I might be a mess if IVF doesn't work. I get why you're protective of me. I really love that you are worried about me."

The husband might say, "I see that you do so much more research and know so much about the stats and process. I never thought about how hard it must be to keep doing the same thing every month and not have it work. I know I don't understand half of what you have to go through and think about."

Step 3

Find the Middle Ground

Okay, now that you've started reconnecting and shown some empathy, it's time to find a compromise. Remember, it's not about getting everything you want. It's about finding a solution that moves both of you forward.

Here are a few ideas of compromises for the example we've been using:

• Dip your toes into the IVF world by scheduling a consultation with an IVF clinic — it gives your partner a chance to learn more without fully committing which is a step in the right direction.

• Explore my IVF Insider Guide. This incredible resource covers all things IVF so you can BOTH know more — watch the videos and read through the material together, then discuss how you both feel after going through it.

• Set a timeline — agree to try your current approach for a few more months, and if nothing happens you're open to starting IVF. It gives your partner some time and reassurance while giving you hope for the future.

• Take a break and regroup together. Decide to take a month off from everything fertility-related and enjoy some quality time together, go on fun dates, and recharge. Afterward, have a nice dinner and revisit your next steps.

Remember, there's no right or wrong answer here. It's all about finding a compromise that respects both of your needs. Keep supporting each other, stay connected, and face infertility as a team.

Infertility is a bumpy road, especially when you and your partner don't see things the same way. But different opinions and points of view are normal. The goal isn't to magically meld into one mind and heart. That'd actually be pretty boring and frustrating in other ways right!? It's about working together in a healthy way. And by following these three steps — having heartfelt chats, showing empathy, and finding middle ground — you'll be sure to navigate this challenging journey together.

Oh, and not to be a total dork …

"Remember who the enemy is."
- The Hunger Games

Although it's normal to feel isolated and resentful at times, your partner is your teammate and a person that you love. Infertility is the thing that is really at the root of your suffering. The more you can stay a team and keep cultivating compassion and compromise the better.

I hope these steps help!

Nicole

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Nicole Lange

LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR