What we let in matters.

Years ago I happened upon a story written by Thich Nhat Hanh. I don’t know that I could find it again if I tried (the man was a prolific writer). But I don’t need to because this story kinda burned into my brain. I've come to think of it as the 'Shut the Shutters Parable' and here’s how it goes.

Imagine you rented a cottage deep in the woods to escape the worries of the world. [Sign me up pleeeease]

Upon your arrival, you unpack, open all the windows to let in the fresh air, and then decide to go for a stroll. [Cue the tweeting birds]

As you’re walking, a storm rolls in. [Wind! Thunder! Lightning!]

You run back to your cabin to find it a mess. Everything you had unpacked is wet as wind and rain continue to pour in through the open windows.

“Now, what would you do first?” Thich Nhat Hanh asked. The answer, of course, is to shut the windows. Or, as he put it, shut the shutters.

The moral was this:

"It’s pointless to try and clean up if we continue to keep our windows open and let storms blow in. And so it is with our hearts and minds."

Of course, there’s another lesson here.

We can’t control the storm, we can only do our best with the shutters. There are some storms that will blow the shutters clear off the hinges! Infertility comes to mind. But what Thich Nhat Hahn was talking about was the lesser storms we can keep out. He was talking about consuming violent entertainment, news, politics ... I’m sure he’d now include social media, forums, online comments, and podcasts too.

This past year I’ve said to myself, “Nicole, put down the phone. Get off Facebook. Turn off the news. Stop looking up COVID statistics. SHUT THE SHUTTERS!” more times than I can say.

As my husband shook with adrenalin and watched insurgents storming the capitol building, I turned off my computer and shut my shutters instead. Not because I didn’t care — I did. But because I knew watching would only give me more to clean-up later and that I’d already seen enough.

Setting good boundaries.

Shutting our shutters is about cultivating an ability to see a storm coming and mindfully stopping it from blowing in and making a mess. We set good boundaries, say no, log-off, stop reading, and subsequently get to put our efforts into proactive self-care instead of reactive mental clean-up.

This habit has been a particularly powerful reframe in my own life because I’m what some might call “a highly sensitive person.” Maybe you relate? My whole life I’ve felt things deeply. I often get choked up when I review new patient stories, I weep when see someone treated with disrespect, and tears often slip down my own cheeks when I sit with people in their grief. I also cry when I see a happy commercial, or realize how much I love a good friend, or when I see a video of a flash mob doing a dance — this list is literally just the tip of my crying iceberg.

I spent the first half of my life being totally overwhelmed by storms that constantly blew into my heart and mind and I had no idea how to cope with them. I had no words to express, no ways to understand, and no tools to deal with the mess. I certainly didn’t realize I had a say in letting any of it in. I even was told, in big ways and in small, that the problem was ME by the people I love.

Thankfully — and I don’t say that lightly — being raped and my failed suicide attempt provided me the opportunity to learn the words, gain the understanding, and cultivate the tools I desperately needed. Including massively self-protective skills like shutting the shutters. This is why I’m so glad to teach all these things to others now.

So sure, I may be the only person on the planet that hasn’t watched GoT. (Seriously, am I the only person?) But shutting my shutters and not watching murder and rape makes me SO much less overwhelmed and anxious. My ability to shut the shutters doesn't make me feel any less. It just allows me to be a deeply feeling, empathetic human, and also to know it’s okay to say, “Not today storm, not today!”

When storms swirl outside your own windows, I hope you’ll feel good about shutting them out when you can. I also hope you’ll be kind when they’re stronger than your shutters. Keep cultivating your own words, understanding, and tools.

Thanks for reading. And in case you're wondering ... you don't feel "too much." You have a big heart. Cherish and protect it where you can.

Nicole

ADDITIONAL LISTENING

Listen to the Ten Percent Happier podcast episode A Big Dose of Perspective with Jack Kornfield.

Nicole Lange

LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR