When intimacy feels like a means-to-an-end.

Ah yes, February. The time of year when sexy lingerie is purchased, strawberries are dipped in chocolate, and champagne bubbles tickle the tongue.

Also, the time when grim, feeling-like-a-failure, baby-making sex still happens. Where intimacy feels like a means-to-an-end. Where things that used to give you pleasure might feel like a whole lotta pressure. Like maybe in a doctor's office while holding a specimen cup while random people talk on the other side of the door.

Let's talk about performance issues and TTC (Trying To Conceive). So whether you're trying with good old fashion sex, or waaaay past that and onto IUIs and IVF, this article is for you — and your partner too.

Sperm! Must have sperm!

The biggest factor that majorly contributes to performance issues, especially for a partner with a penis, is a laser focus on needing to ejaculate on-demand. Like. Right. NOW!

Even if NOW is at 5am and they're barely awake. Even if NOW is in stealth mode while staying with the in-laws in a room with no lock. Even if NOW is after an exhausting night shift. Even if — to quote a real-life past-patient of mine — "I don't care if he has to put a bag over my head and watch porn. He just needs to get on, get off, and get off."

Ooof.

There's a lot in our culture that suggests people with penises want to get off anytime and anywhere. But that's not true. In fact, it's quite hurtful to individuals and to relationships. So let's break this issue down using some Taoist Sex Theory (bet you didn't see that one coming!)

The Yin and Yang of arousal.

In Taoism, the genitals and the heart — aka thoughts and emotions — are connected.

In masculine* Yang arousal, the energy is hard, dry, and active. This energy starts in the genitals, opens up to the heart, and once they're both awake and online a healthy sex drive or sexual experience can unfold.

In feminine* Yin arousal, the energy is soft, wet, and receptive. This energy moves in the opposite direction. Here it starts in the heart, moves down to the genitals, and again, once both parts are engaged good stuff happens!

*FYI, either partner can be in either roll, regardless of their genitals or gender.

Now here's where it gets pretty cool. When you put these two different types of arousal together they make a harmonious cycle of connection and a perfect circle of energy between both people's hearts and genitals. Go ahead and sing this line like the Lion King — “It's the circle of seeeeeeex, and it moves us aaaall!”

At least, it should. If things are healthy and balanced.

But an end-game focus on just the genitals and ejaculation, or just getting turned on, being lubricated, and ready for penetration for that matter, isn't helping anyone here. It shuts down the heart piece of the puzzle in both people. This is guaranteed to be frustrating, feed into anxiety, resentment, and even dread.

These are not sexy feelings.

So if you NEED sperm on demand, what can you do? My best advice is to find more ways to get the heart (thoughts and emotions) in a better place. Here are three options.

#1 - Challenge assumptions.

There are so many bogus assumptions that make TTC harder. Here are a handful of sex and sperm-specific assumptions I see — a lot.

Assumption

An erect penis or a well-lubricated vagina are the best ways to tell if a person is aroused.

Reality

Nonconcordance is the technical word for when the genital response doesn't match the level of mental arousal. And it's SUPER common. People with penises report about a 50/50 match between their minds and their genitals. And — hold onto your lube — people with vaginas report as little as 10% overlap! When we think a hard penis or a wet vagina is the way to tell if a person is enjoying what's happening, we're gonna be wrong. A lot. That's gonna start a vicious cycle of wicked head games and even more stress.

Try This Instead

Buy some sperm-friendly lube and use it without an ounce of guilt or pressure and don't assume a semi-hard or flaccid penis isn't feeling pleasure or wanting to participate. Give your own body and your partner's body lots of grace. If ED is an issue preventing ejaculation, talk with a trusted doctor and/or therapist -- and keep reading!

Assumption

Penis-in-vagina-sex is the only option outside of fertility treatments like IUI and IVF.

Reality

There are some great home options that can be super helpful.

Try This Instead

Things like home insemination (into the vagina with a syringe) or a cervical cap can make penis in vagina intercourse less necessary, and allow hands, toys, and masturbation to help more! Look into DIY home kits such as Mosie Baby or The Stork OTC or watch my Youtube Video with even more cost effective home options!

Assumption

Sperm collection for IUI and IVF is gonna be awful.

Reality

Sure, it's weird. But there are ways to make it better.

Try This Instead

Head into the collection room as a couple. It's far more common than you think. And bring in a vibrator (solo or together). Strong vibration on the frenulum of the penis can be a powerful aid in ejaculation — it's even used for people with spinal cord injuries! If there's stress around not being able to ejaculate on demand, consider freezing some sperm as a backup. Do what works for you. Some clinics are okay with procuring sperm samples at home and driving it to the clinic — just ask.

Assumption

Having a better sex life feels hopeless.

Reality

There are always so many ways to move towards better!

Try This Instead

I love the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD. Learning the science of pleasure and sex — for example, understanding sexual "gas pedals" and "brakes" — can be a game-changer. Try meeting together with a relationship or sex therapist, or go solo if your partner is resistant. I'm always a big fan of checking out sex-positive, education-focused stores to get new ideas and toys.

I'm a big fan of The Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis (they ship all over the country). They're a femme-owned, shame-free, inclusive, body and earth-friendly sex shop!

Assumption

All sex when TTC has to be about babymaking and no fun.

Reality

This is such a trap! First off, the "window of fertility" isn't right for lots of bodies. So having sex at random times and with a focus on pleasure is so worthwhile for your relationship -- and maybe for your outcomes too.

Try This Instead

Mix things up! Try a different time of the month. A different room. A different position. Try messing around and NOT allowing orgasm. Be vulnerable and silly. Share fantasies. And get playful. Try mindfulness by engaging your senses — for example, make touch more exciting with a blindfold, use massage candles, or ice, or both.

#2 - Be a team.

Let's be honest, the last thing most people want to do is get naked with a person they resent and feel disconnected from. And the entire typical path through infertility is a set-up for comparisons, resentment, and isolation.

The main thing to remember about "being a team" is that it has to start outside of the bedroom! There are so many fertility moments that are all-too-often missed opportunities for trust and team building. Take these opportunities to grow as a couple and you'll make your relationship stronger. It'll show up in more connected and compassionate sex too.

Instead of one partner saying, "I'll do it myself," and the other assuming everything is taken care of, figure out how to do things more equitably.

Partners who aren't the ones trying to become pregnant should step up and step in and do things like participating in doctor's visits, doing their own research, calling the insurance company, picking up meds at the pharmacy, pitching in at home, helping with shot giving, clean up, and moral support, and being together to watch the pregnancy test.

The person who isn't actively trying to get pregnant has to engage. And — this is equally important — the person trying to get pregnant has to accept. Don't fall into the trap of letting the person who's trying to get pregnant do most of the work. It's a terrible setup for intimacy issues and other trouble too.

#3 - Engage your hearts.

Sure, maybe you still need to have sex and ejaculate at a certain time, but try your best to intentionally include and wake up your mind and emotions too.

Consider:

• A shower (sexy or otherwise)

• A massage (ditto)

• A couples gratitude practice (say something you're grateful for every day)

• An erotic story (read it solo or out loud with your partner)

• Ethical porn (BTW most mainstream porn leads to unrealistic expectations so choose wisely and don't compare your real life with the equivalent of a superhero movie CGI sex scene)

• Send sweet or naughty notes

• Kiss, hug, hold hands

• Dance

• Talk dirty, role play, share a fantasy

• Laugh and joke

• Cook together

• Do yoga or meditate together
  

I know sex and intimacy can feel like a daunting topic, but I hope this article gives you lots of fabulous takeaways, validation, and hope!

Remember, small and cumulative things add up. It's 100% in your power to decide if your sex-life moves towards more stress, disconnect, and suffering — or towards more joy, connection, and pleasure. Even when TTC!

Nicole

Nicole Lange

LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR