FEELING HELPLESS - MALE INFERTILITY CHALLENGES

Jun 1

Let’s talk about your other half.

Infertility can throw a real curveball at both people who are dreaming of parenthood. But the focus is often on the person who is trying to become pregnant — for better and for worse. In reality, their partners struggling with infertility face their fair share of challenges too. From wrestling with feelings of inadequacy to grappling with societal expectations and stigma, partners often navigate a winding road of emotions and hurdles that deserve some much-needed attention too.

Let's shine a light on the lesser-known, most common struggles partners who are TTC face. I’ll break down stereotypes, debunk myths, and cultivate empathy and support for everyone going through this isolating experience.

If you're a woman with a partner reading this? I hope you'll forward it to them. If you're a partner reading this? Welcome! I hope you feel validated and realize you're not alone in this crazy ride. If your experience of infertility is very different than your partner's — that's normal!

Now, onward.

Often the partner of a person who is actively trying to get pregnant has been raised in a big ‘ole cultural soup of masculine identity* ideals and messages. Of these many messages, three in particular cause extra suffering in the thick of infertility struggles.

Be a provider.
Fix sh*t.
Be strong and stay stoic.

*Even in non-cis, non-heterosexual partnerships there tends to be more of these pressures put on one of the people in the relationship than the other. If you’re gender queer, have a vagina, aren't the person who's trying to carry the pregnancy, etc, I hope you’ll still find lots in this article that feels validating and helpful. I see you!

Let's break them down one by one.

#1 - Be a Provider

For generations, the belief that "a real partner/man” provides for their family has been at the heart of many cultures. An easy-to-overlook part of what “providing” includes is, well … providing the family to begin with!

Let’s be clear. There’s an even-split between male-factor infertility, female-factor infertility, and mixed male/female infertility. And although male-factor infertility can feel like an extra layer of assault on a person’s sense of worth, the "be a provider" pressure isn’t particularly dependent on whether or not sperm is to blame — it’s bigger than that.

No matter who has the fertility diagnosis there’s a specific kind of feeling, like you’re "failing as a partner," that comes with not being able to see your loved one get pregnant. And it’s a pretty helpless and rotten feeling at that.

Of course, there’s probably an even worse female equivalent. We place so much importance on women being caregivers and nurturers above all else, it can feel like the entire value of a woman is gone if she isn’t a parent — which is rarely the case for a man. But this doesn’t mean the assault on a partner’s sense of self isn’t real or important to acknowledge and talk about.

#2 - Fix Sh*t

Beyond creating families with ease, there’s additional pressure on partners to provide answers and to magically have an innate ability to fix problems and make things right. In other words, to fix sh*t.

That’s all fine and good when we’re talking about a home project or a trip to the grocery store. But when faced with the soul-crushing reality that a) genetics can’t be reprogrammed (at least yet), b) biology is insanely complicated and not easily bent to our will, and c) other aspects of life and death, this problem-solving pressure is a recipe for spectacular failure. And yet, fixing stuff is what many partners cling to as their duty.

“How can I make her less sad?”

“How can I show my partner life will be fine even if we don’t have a baby?”

“How can I reassure her we won’t give up until we have a baby?”

These are the kinds of fix sh*t questions partners try to solve over and over — even as they watch their partners sob over another negative test, grieve passing due dates, and face disappointments and setbacks again and again. "How can I fix this?" Sadly, it’s an impossible goal and a hurtful mindset to everyone involved.

#3 - Be Strong and Stay Stoic

I don’t know why we’ve been told people who are traditionally "more masculine" are somehow less emotional than their feminine counterparts. But it’s dead wrong. No matter how things look on the outside, we can now peek inside the brain and see the same emotional areas light up when we’re lonely, when we experience loss, and when we face the unknown.

In fact, in a study on gender and emotional response, researchers watched what babies did when their moms left them alone in an unfamiliar room. It was shown that “boy babies” showed a stronger distress response and level of emotions. Newer research shows “girl babies” may have more stress coping mechanisms including brain maturation and certain calming neurochemicals earlier than males.

Now it’s 2023 and clear that both emotions and gender are a lot more complicated than all this. But I share these studies to assure every person reading, no matter what "men" have been asked to do throughout history and no matter how many cultural messages tell them to be strong and unemotional, the underlying feelings are still there.

When facing fertility struggles and one person in a couple is strong and less emotional while the other feels like they experience most of the sadness, fear, guardedness, and anxiety, it feels lonely and disconnected for both people.

Yes, sometimes there’s a need for one person to channel some stoicism. Like when a partner has to be a caregiver when their significant other has to be put under for a procedure. I’m not saying everyone needs to be totally transparent and show emotions in real-time all the time. But we do have to show our emotions some of the time.

What to do instead.

When I work one-on-one with fertility patients, one of my first goals is to listen and to validate. Even though I’m not sitting in the room with you right now, I hope the first part of this article makes you feel seen too. Whether you’re the person trying to get pregnant or the partner, if you relate to these ideas and they feel like they're making your infertility experience harder, you definitely aren't alone.

The next thing we must do is move deeper and cultivate some doable reframes and tools to shift and find a more balanced path forward! So what are the reframes and tools that can be helpful when facing these messages in infertility?

Change What You're Trying to Provide

The reframe here is simple. No one can provide guaranteed babies. Because we can’t control life and death. But we can shift what we're trying to provide and we can finally succeed when we do! It's possible to provide things like authentic connection, teamwork, love, and authenticity in so many ways. Show up as a support. Be "in it" together. Ask what you can do. Maybe it's an ear to listen without trying to fix, or maybe it's being there for IVF shots, going for a walk, a long hug, or picking up dinner or the fertility meds at the pharmacy! Small things add up.

Both partners can also push back and reframe the ridiculous idea that having babies and families makes either a man or a woman - and talk about it!

We are inherently valuable because we are living and breathing human beings. We don’t earn value by having a baby any more than we earn value by making a certain amount of money. The more we get clear and live our lives from this reframe, the more holistic and healthy we are as individuals, as couples, and as a culture.

It’s cliche, but we need to be the change we want to see in the world.

Stop Trying to Fix Sh*t and Face Brokenness with Bravery

The "fix" for trying to be a fixer starts with admitting that sometimes things feel broken and they can’t be fixed. And that’s no one’s fault or responsibility. Once both people can commit to this new reality — as opposed to one person feeling all the brokenness while the other person tries to come up with a non-existent solution - things can get so much better.

You might be asking, “But Nicole, isn’t that depressing and hopeless?”

And to that I’d say, maybe on the surface. But ultimately it's a path to good things and a stronger relationship. With the fix-it mentality? Not so much. Honoring a shared, authentic infertility experience sets you up for deeper connection, open communication, and finding a way through infertility that feels more like a team.

So instead of thinking, "How can I make her less sad?” Try thinking, “How can I help her understand I see her sadness, and I’m not trying to talk her out of it?” Maybe even admit to yourself, “I’m sad too.”

Instead of, “How can I show her life will be okay even if we don’t have a baby?” Try, “How can I show her I understand how much she wants a baby, and how frustrating it is that getting pregnant isn’t effort-based or fair?” Maybe also, “I hate it as much as she does.”

And instead of, “How can I reassure her we won’t give up until we have a baby?” Try, “How can I admit I don’t know how this will end any more than she does, but that I want to keep trying and take it one step at a time together?” And maybe, “I’m scared it might not ever work too."

Remember, the closest you’ll get to a guaranteed 'fix' is the passage of time. It won’t always be like this because time will change things. It’s just a matter of whether that’s in a couple of months, a couple of years, or a decade, and if that will be with a baby, or two, or without - which is also so hard, but important, to say out loud.

Reframe Authentic Emotions and Expressing Them As Strong

Research shows expressing emotions decreases our fight-or-flight response and keeps us healthier and more fertile. It may seem like a strange example, but people who confess to a crime have instantaneous and measurable benefits to their blood pressure, other cardiovascular markers, and reported stress levels — even though they may be going to jail!

"Research shows expressing emotions decreases our fight-or-flight response and keeps us healthier and more fertile."

And even others who were asked by researchers to journal for 15 minutes a day about things they felt ashamed of - for just three days - had measurable improvements to their immune function.

Studies like these show us, emotional expression doesn’t have to "fix" anything or make something better. The mere act of getting something off our chest makes our bodies instantly more balanced. This is why things like talk therapy, writing in a journal, and talking with a good friend or person you love actually help us. It’s not about reaching a solution. It’s about letting out how we feel.

And that's good for us.

My entire Neighborhood module of The Baby You Want course is about relationships and those infinite places where infertility bumps into life. It's got video lessons that cover what to do when you’re not on the same page with fertility choices, partner resentment, intimacy issues, small disconnects that add up, setting boundaries with friends and family, hurtful comments, asking for what you need, and so much more.

I’d love you to sign up and learn to take your whole life to the next level. It helps your odds and it feels so much better than the typical path through infertility.

And I hope this article serves every partner who’s out in the world feeling powerless and wishing they could do more. I hope it serves those who are trying to carry pregnancies or those moving towards building families in other ways too. When any part of the equation is healthier, everything shifts for the better - and vice versa too.

Warmly,

Nicole