Infertility and the Holidays!
Fertility struggles make the holidays an especially hard time of year.
Be it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, Ashura, or Solstice … this time of year is hard if you’re struggling with infertility. So let’s talk about a totally overlooked, yet incredibly real and super rough (I’m talking cheap TP rough) part of fertility struggles that tends to get waaaay worse in the holiday season. Heads up, this is not a classy holiday article.
This über sneaky and easy to miss issue is — wait for it — Personal Brand Disconnect!
“Come again Nicole? Personal brand whaaaaaat?” you might be asking. Stick with me! I promise it’s gonna make sense and explain a whole lotta of holiday heartache in a hot second.
You see, we all have a “personal brand.” And in our culture, becoming a parent is one of the few opportunities we have to easily “rebrand” ourselves and make major changes in our roles, our lives, and in our dynamics with others.
Before parenthood, our brand is primarily that of an individual and/or a member of our family of origin — aka the family that raised us. It's fairly irrelevant if you happen to be in a serious relationship or “grown-up” any number of other ways.
But after having a living child (don't even get me started on our culture not honoring miscarriage and loss), a person’s brand massively shifts into being a mom or dad and their new family is suddenly seen as their main family.
"Infertility sticks you with a whole lot of “old brand” expectations that become straight up craptastic."
Parenting provides an easy and obvious opportunity to shift priorities, change roles, and create new dynamics that’re pretty crystal clear to everyone involved — usually without a lot of explanation or an ounce of justification. Which sucks when it comes to fertility struggles! Because being one of the 1-in-8 not only robs you of the experience of pregnancy and parenting, it also robs you of the chance to change your brand and be seen in the way you reeeally want to be seen by your parents, your siblings, your in-laws, by your boss, by your friends … by the world.
Infertility sticks you with a whole lot of "old brand" expectations that become straight up craptastic. Basically, you’re expected to be a brand that you don’t want to be.
Which isn’t fun.
Here’s some examples.
Maybe you used to find it endearing that your parents expected you to stay over at their house and celebrate 100% of the holidays with them. Now that expectation is bittersweet at best (and given less-than-ideal family dynamics it can be torture).
How about when the "grown-ups" all agree that they don’t really need anything, and suggest it’s time to focus more on the kids. Ugh.
There’s also holiday assumptions at work that folks without kids will pick up the slack when people with kids cut out early. Can you say, “I’ll just be crying in the bathroom for a minute?”
These are personal brand disconnects, and the extra crappy thing about ‘em is they’re invisible to everyone else! Meanwhile they’re gutting you.
So, what can you do?
Set holiday boundaries.
I’m talking both energetic and overt boundaries. Put on your earrings and imagine they’re your kick-butt protective amulets that buffer shitty vibes flying at you during the family dinner. It sounds weird, but it totally helps. Make a point of taking a shower and symbolically letting the crappy parts of the extended family Zoom gathering go down the drain so you can put on cozy PJs and start fresh. These are examples of energetic boundaries.
Then also explain to your families (or better yet have your partner explain it to their side) that you’re an adult, that you do have your own family (even without living children) and that you’ll be starting some of your own traditions. You can rebrand now, you just need to spell it out clearly and stick to your guns until it sinks in -- aka create good boundaries. A well-timed and loving reminder that they've already gotten to make their own traditions and you suuuuper appreciate their support as you do the same (which you totally know they’ll do cuz they’re so awesome, "Thanks, mwah!") is helpful.
Take time for seasonal self-care.
Sure, you can ask for what you want and set better boundaries. And you should if it’s likely your requests will be heard and respected. But especially if you find you’re dealing with people who have the emotional depth of a teacup and you know they’re never gonna “get” your new brand requests, redirect your efforts into other places you have some actual control over. Breathe. Journal. Do some therapy. Take a long shower. Go for a nice walk. And practice radical acceptance — which is accepting life as it is even if you don't like it.
I luuuuuuv the mantra, “Shit is shit,” for letting go of things you can’t change that are ... well, shitty. There's far less suffering when you say this mantra and redirect. Do that instead of sniffing around and trying to analyze or change other people's crappiness. I warned you this post was gonna be classy!
Use grief and loss rituals.
We don’t only grieve pregnancy and infant loss. We grieve feeling disconnected from our loved ones. We grieve being misunderstood. We grieve not being in the place we thought we’d be. We grieve not having the chance to rebrand ourselves how we want to be branded. So, light a candle. Make space to leave notes or hang up a poem. Buy yourself flowers. You get the idea. Honor how real and legit your feelings are. It’s so much healthier to honor your emotions than to push them down and away.
And on that note. You know I’d love see you in The Baby You Want course. This is the perfect time of year to reassess what’s working and what needs to shift. If the ideas in this article speak to you then I know you’re ready to leap into being more whole and balanced and big-picture. I’d love to support you every step of the way!
May your struggles feel a little lighter this holiday season,
Nicole
Nicole Lange
LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR
