MEDITATIONS
Longing and Living
A Meditation by Nicole
When I started doing fertility work in 2006, one of the very first and most heartbreaking themes I noticed in the women I was working with was something I’ve come to call longing instead of living. Over the years I’ve read this meditation to countless women as they lay on my acupuncture table or on yoga mats on the floor in group sessions at retreats, and it still makes my heart ache every time I read it. I hope you find it inspiring.
-
Longing and Living: A Meditation
by Nicole Lange
So often the quest for a child becomes all consuming. We want it so much. Before we know it we're living for having a child. Living for the future. Waiting for that one desire to be fulfilled before we can really live.
Every cell of our being seems to long for a child.
And so everything we eat, breathe, think, drink, feel, and do, is to fulfill that one desire. Because when it finally happens we are sure that it will be worth it.
So often we become so invested in achieving our goal we forget to live in the moment.
Most days our lives are in a holding pattern. Waiting for the next step, ovulation, the next appointment, the next pregnancy test, paperwork, waiting to be chosen. In short, waiting for our child.
Sometimes the only times we splurge, express, or quote unquote "cheat," in other words the only time we live, is when we're comforting ourselves. Because our dream has been delayed.
Derailed.
Broken.
And we feel defeated.
Living in the moment becomes a crummy consolation prize only for a while until we begin to try again and the holding patterns reemerge.
When we put our lives on hold how does it feel?
Do you feel deprived?
Frustrated?
Stuck?
Hopeless?
Out of control?
Desperate or obsessed?
Are you missing out? Do you think you have to be positive or you'll jinx it? Does every move you make get weighed against the possible implications it will have on your fertility or a potential pregnancy or a child?
What sorts of sacrifices are you making because you hope they'll pay off? Sacrificing intimacy or connection, sacrificing eating foods you like, sacrificing your sleep, sacrificing your social life, sacrificing your sanity and balance, sacrificing doing what feels right for what a doctor, book, website, or article tells you to do.
Are you moving through life with your breath held? Are you waiting for things to be fine once you get through this? Are you convinced there's no way things could be fine right now?
What if you could feel better right now? What if that was truly best for your fertility?
What if instead of feeling beat down and hurt you decided to move towards building yourself up and healing instead?
What if instead of longing and feeling stressed, stifled, and stuck you decided to still try but in a new way? A way that lets you live.
The spark of life that needs to ignite in you is waiting. Your life is waiting. Can you open to them? Can you be in the moment completely and trust that this is the right place to be? Can you live for yourself right here and right now and not for the future or for the past?
Instead of waiting for the future try to be here right now.
Instead of thinking of this as throwing in the towel think of it as trusting something greater. Think of it as trusting a sort of wisdom that you might not be able to understand, but trust it anyway. And live.
Trust that when you live right now you will become more fertile. Trust that when you're healthy and balanced you are receptive. Trust your body. Trust your inner wisdom.
Know that mothering yourself is just the sort of practice you'll need to mother someone else.
So listen to the person inside of you that is already a mother. Who has always been a mother. And could never be anything but a mother. What is she saying?
"Slow down."
"It's bedtime."
"Eat well."
"You'll hurt yourself if you keep that up."
"I'm listening."
"You are special."
"You are perfect."
"You are trying so hard."
"Let's do something fun today."
"You're doing so great. And I'll take care of you."
"I love you."
"I love you, and I will never not love you."
When I Tell You You’re Stuck
A Meditation by Nicole
-
When I Tell You You’re Stuck: A Meditation
by Nicole Lange
When you’re running from place to place, thing to thing, when your mind is two steps ahead … ten steps ahead. When you feel like you are barely treading water but you’re afraid you’ll sink if you don't keep going as fast and as hard and with as much willpower as you can muster. When you can't not do. When you can't turn off. When you can't stop. When you can't “not."
This is stuck.
When you desperately want something to change that you are (ultimately) powerless to control. When there is injustice. When things aren’t one-bit fair. When it’s life and death and you keep bumping up against those hard edges and they just won’t give. When you tried every different angle, every different option, and it’s still unyielding or it only gives just enough to make you feel like slamming against it hard again.
You are stuck.
When you held someone but it wasn't long enough. When you can’t hold someone but your arms long to. When you don't want to hold onto something anymore because it’s too much. When you don’t know if you’ll ever get back to who you were before. When you can’t understand how everything and everyone else goes on when this is what YOU are living. When they think you’re okay, but you’re not.
In this too, you are stuck.
You are stuck when it hurts. Literally hurts. When things feel tight and tense. When they ache. When it feels like you’re being stabbed or wrung out. When it comes and goes and catches you off guard. When it won’t relent. When it’s exhausting. When you are painted into a corner. When it’s in your heart. When it’s in your head. When this is there, and also over there, and here, and here too.
This is stuck.
Even if you are stuck. Even if it’s for so many very real reasons. Even if this is SO VERY HUMAN. It won’t always feel this way. Time alone makes things change. It always does. You won’t always feel this exact way. And right now, even if you cannot change the things you want to, there ARE so many ways to offset, to ease up, and to redirect. Awareness is where you must start. Say to yourself, “I see I’m stuck. I see why.”
"I am stuck. I am aware."
Your breath is the perfect next step. Take a breath. Feel your inhalation. Feel the pause. Feel your exhalation. Be here for this moment. Breathe in again. Label the parts.
I inhale. I pause. I exhale.
And a third time. Breathe in. Pause. And out.
"I am stuck. I am aware. I am breathing."
And last but not least let self-compassion enter in. Now say, “I’m stuck. Being stuck is hard. I deserve kindness. I deserve love.”
And take one more breath.
Send yourself kindness.
And then one more.
Give yourself love.
"I am stuck. I am aware. I am breathing. I deserve kindness. I deserve love."
Even if this is all that you do here. Even if it changes nothing outside. It matters INSIDE.
Feel the space it creates. Take one more breath.
Know that this space offers room for hope. There are many ways to shift even more. Even here. But for just right now pause just a while longer. Be in this moment, breathe, be aware, and be kind.
If you are stuck - you are human.
The goal isn’t to stop being human, the goal is to learn how to lean in and work with it all and trust the rest will unfold. Take yet another breath. Spend a few more moments doing what feels right as the music comes to an end. Then wiggle your fingers and toes and see where this moment will take you.
Finding Your Roots
A Meditation by Nicole
This meditation is especially useful when your world feels stormy. Use it during hard times or test it out any old day so you have the concepts at the ready when things do get tough.
-
Finding Your Roots: A Meditation
by Nicole Lange
This is the Finding Your Roots Meditation.
Begin in a comfortable position either lying down or seated. Feel your body in the space. Be in the moment and connect with your breath for one, then two, then three breaths. And as you make your final exhalation, if it feels safe to do so, gently close your eyes.
As you find a more relaxed and settled position, begin to imagine sending roots from your body down towards the earth. With each inhalation feel more present. And with each exhalation allow your roots to grow longer and closer to the earth.
Continue to breathe in, and out, and send your roots down. In, and out, and further down. Picture them traveling with ease through whatever is between you and the actual earth.
As your roots finally connect with the earth, take a moment and feel the sense of peace and calm that comes with connecting to something timeless, something steady, and something solid. It might feel like a storm is ravaging your life up here and yet as your roots connect with the earth you will start to feel that it is not a storm everywhere.
And so the first of the three things we will do in this grounded place is to draw from this calm steady energy. Imagine with each inhalation you are drawing up into your body or heart or mind or wherever you need more calm and steadfastness. Inhale and draw up peace. Exhale and feel settled. Inhale and draw up steadiness. Exhale and feel grounded.
Remember that many others have walked on this earth and experienced their own storms of life. Know that others are experiencing storms right now too. And know that the earth has remained and will remain steady through it all. So breathe in what you need.
You might picture this grounded energy as words, or sensations, or even a soothing color. Now take just a few breaths quietly on your own and draw up whatever you need from the earth.
Next we will shift into a second mindset. Instead of drawing up we will shift into putting down what is too much to carry. Know that the earth can handle these feelings and will not be burdened even if these things feel like too much for your heart or your mind. Let them leave. Know that they will not be gone forever. But that doing this exercise means you can take a break.
Exhale and feel the spaciousness returning. Inhale and feel lighter. Exhale and know it's okay to take a break. Inhale and feel clarity and know that this clarity will serve you. Once again picture what you're putting down as words, or feelings, or colors. And take a few more breaths on your own to continue to put down or let go of whatever you need.
Lastly, let's use our grounded sensation to cultivate a sense of connection. Think of all of history. Think of all of humankind. Think of all that has come before and all that is yet to come. And know that all of it is, and has been, and will be, connected to this very same earth.
Hone in now and picture just one person who is on this earth right now who loves you and who you love back. Imagine this person wherever they may be. With their roots also connected to this earth. Imagine their roots traveling through the earth. Whatever distance is needed to intertwine with yours. Allow this image to remind you that although you may feel alone in this moment you are a part of something so much bigger. To remind you that you are loved. And to remind you that you are not alone.
Now with each inhalation send your roots out further towards still others. And with each exhalation imagine more and more roots that belong to others growing towards your own. Start with those you know and love best. And then expand to close friends. And then to acquaintances. And then to familiar strangers. And then to complete strangers.
Breathe in a sense of connection. Breathe out feeling alone. Breathe in shared humanity. Breathe out isolation. One last time imagine words, or feelings, or colors if they feel right for you. And take these final few breaths in this exercise to feel connection.
As this meditation comes to a close remember that you can do any or all of these three things anywhere, anytime. You can draw up strength and steadiness. You can put down overwhelm and let go of heaviness. And you can connect and feel less alone.
Take time to do more of any of these that feel useful or needed. And whenever you feel like this exercise is over simply wiggle your fingers and toes. Imagine your root coming back to your body. And slowly open your eyes.
Be gentle with yourself and know that even in a storm there are things you do have control over. These things may feel small compared to the largeness of grief, or loss, or uncertainty. But it matters. Taking care of yourself matters. Giving yourself love always matters.
Embryo Transfer - IVF
A Meditation by Nicole
-
Embryo Transfer - IVF Meditation
by Nicole Lange
Please do not listen to this meditation if you are not in a safe place to close your eyes and fully relax.
This is the Embryo Transfer IVF Meditation by Nicole Lange.
As you’re preparing for embryo transfer, congratulate yourself for making it this far in the IVF process and for taking time to pause and listen to this guided meditation.
Whatever your path through IVF has been, making it to this stage is a huge accomplishment. You’ve cleared so many hurdles to get here. You’ve done so much. Making it to an embryo transfer is authentically celebration worthy. Be with that joy and hope when you can. It’s real.
Still, nothing is guaranteed here. And some big unknowns and hurtles remain. It’s okay to acknowledge this reality too. Healthy thoughts and emotions are ones that are realistic and honored.
It is healthy to take some time to be with all of your thoughts and feelings as they swirl and constantly change.
Often IVF feels like your heart and mind are playing a physical, mental, and emotional pingpong game. The excitement and hope at the possibility. The good news. The progress. And the worries and guardedness, the hard times, and the unknown.
Of course you feel it all. You’re human. That is whole and healthy and yes, complicated. Really trust this fact. Healthy emotions are realistic and worked with — not shoved down or denied.
So let’s take this time to simply be in this authentic moment whatever is coming up here and now. Starting with a breath.
Take a moment to get comfortable. Soften your gaze or close your eyes. Now starting at the very top of your head feel it start to relax. Soften your forehead. Notice the areas around and behind your eyes, and release any tension you can.
Breathe and release.
Wrap your attention around to the base of your skull. Relax the sides and back of your head. Let the back and bottom of your head feel heavy.
Now notice your ears, your mouth, and your jaw, and relax any tension here too. If it’s comfortable to do so, tighten your mouth and jaw for a moment and then let it release.
Let your whole head start to feel calm as all of these muscles soften. Loosen your jaw a little more. Let your tongue relax inside your mouth. If your eyes aren’t already closed and they're feeling heavy, let them close.
And take another breath.
Your mind has had to hold so much as you’ve navigated fertility challenges and IVF. But in this moment everything is taken care of. You don’t have to know any more than you do right now. Rest your mind and feel proud of how you’ve handled all the logistics, thoughts, and feelings along the way.
You’ve landed right here in this calm, safe, supported moment. That’s a wonderful thing.
Moving on to your neck and shoulders, inhale and tighten them, and then exhale and let the tension go here too. Let your neck relax. Let your shoulders sink.
Breathe in and exhale again.
Feel your arms getting heavy. Feel your elbows, forearms, wrists, palms and fingers. If it’s comfortable, curl your hands into a tight fist for a moment, then release and let them relax.
Inhale, exhale, feel your arms just be.
These arms have longed to hold a child. Maybe you’ve suffered pregnancy loss. Maybe you’ve never been pregnant. Whatever your story it’s okay. If you need any proof that you still have plenty of hope, look to the fact that you’re here.
You wouldn’t be here without hope. That’s doesn’t mean this is easy, or that you have to feel positive or certain. Whatever you feel is a reflection of every moment that has brought you to this tender moment.
There’s a quieter kind of hope here. And yes, possibility too. That’s enough. Honoring this reality is beautiful.
Moving into your chest, gently notice the expansion and contraction of your lungs. Notice the rise and fall of your breath.
Feel your upper, mid, and lower back expand as you breath. Let your ribs stretch in every direction. Send your breath to your spine, strong, yet flexible. Know that you are strong, yet flexible too.
Now, breathe once more into your chest. And then breathe even deeper into your abdomen.
A lot has had to happen within your body to get you to this moment. Whether your path has felt relatively smooth or way harder than you imagined. No matter what you had to let go of or adjust along the way. You are here.
Each breath, each step has allowed you to arrived at this moment. Your breath will continue to take you forward into the next moments and next steps too.
So simply be here with your breath. Breathe in, and out. In an out.
Your breath is a priceless tool. You can always come back to this awareness.
Now imagine breathing down into your lower abdomen and pelvis. Breathe in light and love. Breathe out worries and pressure.
Just for this little while, allow the pressure and worry to loosen or fall to the background. Not because you need to get rid of it, but because it’s nice to give yourself a break.
Small moments add up.
And in this moment you are safe. You have everything you need. You are as ready as you need to be. You have chosen to take this moment to be real and invite in peace and perspective. Remember, at the heart of IVF, beyond the hormones, scans, and procedures, this is about family and love.
I'll say it again. This is about family and love.
So take a moment and think about the love, support, and abundance you already have in your life. The people who love you. The people you love. Things that give you joy. Beloved pets. Things that nourish your body and mind. Things that make you smile and build you up.
Remember, these are at the heart of you and your IVF and your life. They're what you hope to share with your future child. And they will continue to be yours no matter how this IVF unfolds.
There is abundance here. It is a powerful choice to notice abundance within a process that makes it all too easy to worry and focus on scarcity.
It is a powerful choice to cultivate gratitude here, especially when times feel intense. These are things you control. Never forget that. You always have power. Even at the brink of unknowns of an embryo transfer and IVF, you still have power.
And now, if it’s comfortable to do so, move your hands so your fingers rest on your lower abdomen. Feel it rise and fall. Soften your backside. If you’ve done any shots here send some extra gratitude and release any clench you might be holding there.
Breathe in, and out. Soften, and relax.
And move down to your thighs, let the tops and backs of them feel heavy. Move to your knees and feel them soften. Feel all the places where your legs are touching the surface you're sitting or lying on, and let yourself sink a little deeper. Relax your calves, front and back. Let your ankles feel loose.
And finally let your relaxation move into your feet. Breathe down between the bones and across the ligaments until your feet are soft and relaxed. Wiggle your toes, then curl them tightly for one breath. And release to let go of the final bit of what you can let go of right now. Feel both heavier and lighter from your head to your toes.
Now repeat these mantras,
“It’s like this now.”
"Whatever I feel is whole, human, and perfect."
"There is nothing I need to conquer."
"There is nothing I need to change."
"I am complicated, perfect, and powerful."
"I put my energy into things I can control."
"I choose love and abundance."
"I choose authenticity."
"I am as ready as I need to be."
As this meditation comes to an end, either in your mind or in real life, cross your arms over your chest and give yourself a hug or a reassuring pat on your shoulders. Remember that every breath and each moment will continue to move you forward.
The music will continue to play. Take whatever time you need to come back to any idea that resonates with you.
When you’re ready open your eyes, wiggle your fingers and toes, and know that you are perfectly prepared and ready for your embryo transfer and whatever unfolds.