LET’S TALK ABOUT PROBLEMATIC FERTILITY COACHING

Mar 10

Taking advantage of desperation.

My good friend sent an article last month that felt SO important and validating. It was featured on The Cut and called The Girlbosses of Fertility by Lindsay Gellman.

Here are some article highlights:

Infertility is a personal crisis, expensive, and often makes people feel desperate. Looking for ANYTHING and ANYONE who can help is completely natural.

There's a social media world made up of people with no actual medical training who identify as "experts" based on their lived experience going through infertility — which is inspiring in some ways, but awful in many others.

These "girlboss coaches" look amazing — both physically and figuratively! They look out from your screen from behind their stylish desk with fabulous hair and flawless skin and say "I conquered my own infertility with the power of positivity and the right diet. I can teach you to do the same!" But they're really just taking their worldview and personal assumptions and spreading straight-up misinformation.

They sell empty reassurance and false confidence.

They plant doubt around science and evidence-based care.

They push alternative options like manifesting, positivity, extreme food choices, and "working on yourself" so a baby wants to "pick you!"

Ummmm, no.

And they turn their random correlations into "pro-tips," even when there's not a shred of science or evidence to support their claims. It's like saying that because you brought an umbrella, you MADE it rain. It’s not how it works.

These kinds of guru-coaches have testimonials, boss-lady glamor shots, and their fertility programs cost a lot of money. $500/hr for one-on-one sessions. A $15k alternative to IVF packages. Plus add-ons like dubious tests for food allergies, hormonal "imbalances," bogus supplements, and more.

All of this usually doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it can hurt MANY.

But for those who happen to get pregnant when working with them, they'll swear they helped. Even when it's really odds and patience that probably made the difference, they'll write a testimonial that says otherwise. Which only perpetuates misinformation and feed into others signing up out of desperation too.

For those who don't get pregnant? They blame themselves for "failing" at the guru's suggestions, question if they're extra "broken," or feel duped by yet another too-good-to-be true fertility claim.

Ugh.

Watch out for success stories and guru-coaches.

The last thing I ever want to do is insult anyone who's been through infertility. I have to give these coaches the benefit of the doubt. I do think they're genuinely trying to help. The problem is, unless they're also a researcher or scientist or actual medical expert, they're not.

I have to admit I get SO frustrated scrolling through social media and seeing feed after feed of "Believe," "Be positive," "Go gluten-free," and then you'll have a baby. They're often posted by "experts" with their super beautiful family photo and baby and ultrasound images hanging out on a a bulletin board behind them.

I hate reading misguided and misleading testimonials. FYI, I deliberately do NOT share testimonials specifically about pregnancy and baby outcomes for legitimate mental health reasons.

I've done this work since 2006. I could easily have a giant wall of hundred of pictures. But I don't because some of my most amazing patients didn't "succeed." At least not in the way they wanted to when we started. But they succeed in something way harder — and I'm so dang proud of them and humbled to be a part of their stories.

It’s not people — it’s fertility culture.

And I hate it so freakin’ much.

I have medical training, a master's degree in holistic medicine, and decades of exclusive fertility and mental health experience. I understand the science. I insist on evidence-based care. I want to teach you to choose unsexy things, like subtracting what doesn't serve you. Even if it's something that looks so good on Instagram. I want you to trust odds and good science.

I have a wait list for my one-on-one visits, which is why I spent 5 years working to create The Baby You Want course. Staying evidence-based and holistic works on all the levels. It makes the world healthier one person at a time. And it's truly a passion of mine.

This passionate belief is also why I also don't charge an arm and a leg for my courses. I believe every person benefits from good coaching by an actual medical expert. And that every person should have access to one.

Good healthcare shouldn't be about privilege.

So, I’ll never be a girlboss guru.

I'll be honest, I force myself to do the bare minimum on social media because I find the culture so stacked against what I believe in and how I live and work. I hope there's a day when all the perfect-looking posts are replaced by real talk about why we can't force pregnancies, and all the ways we DO understand biology — and also all the ways we don’t (yet)!

For now, I'll keep fighting to not only help people find their best ways to get pregnant faster, but to also protect them from trauma and help make sure that if things don't end up going the way they want, they're in a better position to think clearly and make their best, next, unfair, hard choices.

I believe the baby you want is a healthy one, born to an empowered parent who didn't lose themself along the way. One who's stronger because they faced the totally unjust, awful world of infertility and came out a parent — even if it's through a path they didn't think they'd take.

And I know that's not what people want to hear. It doesn't make for a "Look at me! I've got all the answers and I can fix all your problems!" sexy sales pitch. It doesn't sell on Instagram.

But it's the truth.

I'm fiercely committed to not being a girlboss. I'm a serious medical provider and a teacher. A kick-ass, not glamorous, not trendy, super-smart, hella-experienced, passionate, crusader and teacher.

Infertility isn't cute. It isn't simple. It isn't glamorous. It's complicated. And I hope this post helps you push back on the hurtful infertility culture that's everywhere. You deserve so much more.

Warmly,

Nicole